managing conflict

When something comes along that shakes you up or challenges you, whatever is inside you will spill out – maybe that is anger, frustration or fear resulting in harsh words and damaging behaviour. Or maybe what spills out is joy, gratefulness and kindness for others. It’s easy to hide what’s inside until life gets tough and then it all spills over. THE LESSON and the question we have to ask ourselves is “what’s in my cup?” You choose how to fill your cup every single day and if that is kindness, gratefulness and love then that is what will spill over when life challenges you ACTION What thoughts and feelings are “spilling over” for you? How are these impacting on your relationships with others? What choices could you make or things could you do to fill your own cup so that you experience more joy, gratefulness and kindness towards others?

People who survive best in times of change, challenge and crisis may have what is termed a “Survivor Personality” If you were brought up to be a ‘Good Child”, and most of us probably were, then that may be a barrier to coping well when times are tough. The good child handicap means that you will act as you “should”, in other words to please others, rather than according to the effects of what you do. THE LESSON is that to be a survivor in challenging times, you must be open to learn from what is happening rather than relying solely on what you have been taught or told to do. Expand your awareness and focus on self-discovery. ACTION What are you learning about yourself from the current situation? What are you learning about others?

Sometimes we just don’t know or can’t agree with others how to solve a problem and sometimes we are presented with a situation that simply looks unresolvable. Often it seems easier to ask someone else to solve our problem for us, whether that’s our boss, a friend or relative or a coach. A wise friend, coach or adviser will not try to tell us the answer but will instead encourage us to make our own decision. They may help to reframe the situation for us by adding a new dimension but we should be prepared to take responsibility. THE LESSON is that it’s a great idea to share your problems and concerns with someone who can help you to see things from a different perspective but be ready to make your won decisions and be responsible for the outcome. ACTION Who might you share your situation or concern with who could act as a wise counsel? Can you use that person to help you see things differently so that you can make your own choices and decisions?

Very often in times of crisis we want others to follow our lead and to agree with our reasoning and solutions. Sometimes it makes us feel better to take control and manage things in our way. But what if others don’t want to follow our lead and see things as we do. How can we change their minds and make them see sense? The truth is that trying to persuade or even force someone to change their mind and to see things your way or accept your solution to the problem is more than likely to have exactly the opposite effect. THE LESSON is that you need to change the interaction to one of 2-way dialogue and use the 3-steps to success: 1. LISTEN – be open to hear and respond to the message that others are trying to get across to us 2. LEARN – to be willing to learn from others even when we fundamentally disagree with them 3. LOVE – to show respect and courtesy to all, no matter how wrong we believe them to be ACTION Are you trying to take control of others to make you feel better? Use the 3-step process to establish a conversation with them so that you can agree together how to move forward

Many of us are missing physical contact with others, such as handshakes and hugs and face-to-face contact of meeting with clients, friends and family. Why is that so important? Because when our brain senses safety or reward it releases a chemical called oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the “bonding hormone”. Meeting people online is a totally different experience and doesn’t always create the right environment or sense of warmth, friendship and safety that we are all looking for. What can we do instead? THE LESSON is that when we are not able to meet and therefore be influenced by the physical environment or body language of others, we need to be aware of what else we might do to provide a sense of safety and friendship ACTION Think of other ways you can reach out and “touch” others, with a kind gesture or comment Be aware of how you come across on video calls or in email where you usually meet face-to-face

Most of us hate to feel out of control or that we have no power or say in a situation. In times of crisis, our sense of being in control of what is happening to us may be seriously impacted. The result may be that we try even harder to control others and that can create even more tension or conflict. THE LESSON is that we, or others may be lashing out or seeking to have more control when times are tough because of how we feel about ourselves. Understanding where this urge to control comes from can be the starting point to better understanding and conversations ACTION Do you feel disempowered by this crisis? How do you feel about yourself – confident and able to cope or uncertain and fearful? Where does that sense or from?

In times of crisis we often become self-absorbed. In other words, our focus and awareness narrows so much that all we can think about is ourselves, and how we are impacted by the current situation. However, if we can be alert to and aware of what others may be going through and able to reach out to them despite our own problems and challenges then we may find genuine connection and the ability to help one another. THE LESSON is we must be prepared to be vulnerable and reveal our true selves, our hopes and fears, differences and divisions, our dreams and desires, for others to do the same. ACTION Have you retreated into a bubble and become more self-absorbed? What might others around you be going through or feeling? Can you share your hopes and fears and discuss your differences and divisions?

It can be hard not to focus on fear when times are tough. Saying “No” to fear and “Yes” to opportunity can be as simple as making a commitment to be the best we possibly can – in every decision and every action we take and in every thought we hold in our minds. Accepting life’s challenges can require you to be brave and to thumb your nose at fear – not always easy. THE LESSON is that it is more important than ever that each of us accepts responsibility for how we show up in the world and that can mean being real but also saying “Yes” to life’s challenges. ACTION What would mean saying “Yes” to this challenge mean to you? What would you do differently if you saw it as an opportunity?

In the schools you go to as a child, you sit in classes where first you learn the lesson and then you take the test. In the school of life, it is the opposite. First, you take the test and then you learn the lesson. Many people who go through challenging situations will say, “I would not wish to go through that again, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me”. What they are referring to is the fact that they have learnt some important lessons and grown as a person through their experience. Here is the poem “To Dance” If I had it all to do again And we never have it all to do again But if I did have it all to do again I’d take much more time to dance. “Dance”, you say, “Who needs ballet? Who needs to move and sway that way?” But that’s not dancing, just moving that way When you celebrate each day, that’s dancing I say. When you dare to be you, that’s when you dance When you fall and get up, that’s when you dance When you can laugh at yourself, that’s when you dance, When you enrich someone’s life, then you have danced. For dancing is feeling that whatever place you’re in Can be made into a place where hope can begin Dancing is reaching again and again For the best that’s in you……..that’s dancing, my friend. By Dudley Weeks Included in So Far To Go When We Get There, Copyright Dudley Weeks, 1992; and in On Love and Change & Other Subversive Things, Copyright Dudley Weeks, 1999 ACTION Here are some guidelines for learning from experience · You have some sort of planned or unplanned experience · You express your feelings and clear your emotions · You reflect on the experience and replay it in your mind – without justifying or condemning what happened. · You describe the experience – tell a friend or write about it in a journal · You ask yourself what you can learn from the experience – if it were to happen again, what would you do next time? · You imagine yourself talking or acting in a more effective way · Your rehearse of practice doing it in the way you desire Whatever happens and however bad it seems, it’s important to be able to process your experience in this way to learn and grow in confidence for the future.