This week I ran a mock debate with a client as an exercise in listening and collaboration.
We deliberately took opposite sides on an issue that we fundamentally disagreed about and from there we set about exploring the topic.
What I shared with my client is a process that puts respectful listening and genuine empathy at its heart.
Instead of seeking to score points factually or intellectually and so prove that you are right and therefore better than the other person, the first step in this process is to listen without interrupting. Then to reflect back to the other person the essence of their point (not yours), checking you’ve understood it clearly and empathising with any strongly expressed feelings.
Only then is it your turn to share your position and they must take their turn in respectful listening and showing genuine empathy.
This is something that most of us DO NOT DO!
And so, what we are increasingly experiencing is the polarisation of society and cancel culture, so that we are surrounded only by those that share our point of view or perspective and that we shun those who challenge or disagree with us.
When you do take the time to explore a topic from a variety of perspectives, what you usually discover and what this exercise has proven time and time again, is that most of us share some basic common needs and interests.
We want to live in a world where we can trust rather than doubt others, especially those in positions of seniority or authority. We want to be treated with courtesy and respect. We want to be treated fairly and not made to feel “less than”. And, most importantly, we want to know that we matter and are heard.
Maybe we are not really “poles apart”, even when we appear to fundamentally disagree and that with a different approach we can stop the descent into polarisation and chaos that society seems to be experiencing right now.
We must learn simple but effective ways to communicate
with one another. How to speak, how to listen. How to
communicate honestly to achieve our needs and realise
our dreams rather than splattering human bodies across
the landscape whether metaphorically or in reality.
– Jerry Spence –