Have you ever been in a situation that is intensely stressful, such that the easiest thing to do would be to run away or escape in an effort to rediscover peace and calm?
“If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen” is a phrase attributed to former US President Harry S. Truman and is often used to suggest that in challenging situations, you should either stop complaining or stop doing whatever is causing the distress.
Sometimes though, bailing out is not a viable choice and instead we perhaps need to learn to sit in the fire and quietly ask questions of ourselves and others that create clarity around what we are experiencing and why, a vision for moving forwards and ideas as to what to do next.
To be still in the heat of the moment or to create stillness, to enable others to see without distortion and reflect on the reality of the situation is an act of presence, allowing people to BE, rather than swinging wildly between the desire to exert control or to run away.
When you find someone, who is still enough to let you see yourself, to reflect back to you, without distortion or expectation then it is possible to remember what is causing the fire and to search for the right rather than the easy answer.
I once worked with a leader whose team was facing significant change. Morale was low, deadlines were slipping, and pressure from senior stakeholders was mounting. Every instinct told them to act quickly, to impose tighter controls, hold more meetings, and push harder for results. Others on the team wanted to disengage entirely, believing the situation was beyond repair.
Instead, they chose a different path. They gathered the team together and created space for honest conversation. Rather than rushing to solutions, they asked simple questions: What is really happening here? What are we afraid of? What do we need from each other? In the discomfort of those discussions, frustrations surfaced, assumptions were challenged, and a clearer picture emerged. The pressure did not disappear overnight, but by staying present in the fire rather than reacting to it, the team found a way forward that everyone could support.
Sitting in the fire is not about enduring suffering for its own sake, nor is it about passivity. It is about resisting the urge to escape or control when neither response serves us well. It is about finding the courage to remain present long enough to understand what is truly happening and what the situation is asking of us.
Often, the greatest gift we can offer ourselves and others is not advice, answers, or action, but presence. A calm, steady presence creates the conditions for insight, honesty, and growth. The fire may still burn, but when we are willing to sit with it, we often discover that it illuminates the path forward as much as it tests us.
I sit beside the fire and think of people
Long ago, and of people who will see
A world that I shall never know.
– J.R.R. Tolkien –