When things go wrong, life gets tough, shit happens – who do you blame?
As a lawyer and mediator, I am constantly reminded of the blame culture. The need to find something or someone whose fault your predicament is.
Somewhere along the way, some of us have learnt or absorbed the message that life is meant to be easy, comfortable, convenient and clean. And then when it’s not it cannot possibly be our fault.
Whenever we look to blame another person, it stops us from looking at ourselves. From going within and asking the hard question “What could I have done differently?”, “What have I learnt?”, “How could I change?”
What can I do with this?
Dan Pink talks about three powerful motivators: purpose, autonomy and mastery — having some control over our lives, getting better at what we do, and being part of something that matters.
Notice what’s missing?
Blame.
Blame doesn’t build mastery.
It doesn’t create purpose.
And it rarely gives us agency.
The trouble is that these universal human needs are more demanding and require expectations and accountability.
When everything becomes about me – my rights, my reputation, my money, my success, my convenience – relationships, organisations and communities suffer.
Self-interest is easy.
Purpose is harder.
Purpose demands accountability.
It asks you to become more than you are.
When we can recognise that selfishness and greed are often the default setting and those with the greatest selfishness and greed and the least humanity are often those who undermine relationships, organisations and the flourishing of society itself.
Because when we have something bigger to work towards, we stop obsessing about who is right and start thinking about what is possible.
Perhaps that’s the real choice when things go wrong.
Blame or responsibility.
Self-interest or purpose.
Protecting who we are – or discovering who we could become.
You may not be responsible for everything that happens to you. But you are responsible for what you do next.
So next time you catch yourself thinking:
“It’s their fault.”
Ask:
“What is mine to own?”
And then ask the bigger question:
“What could we achieve if we stopped protecting ourselves and started pursuing something that really matters?”
That’s where growth begins.
And to know that you could be a lot more than you are and that the boundaries of that are unimaginable.
When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
– Robert Anthony –